Obligatory Christmas Post

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Seasonal Depression! HaHaHa! Just kidding. HoHoHo! “Wow Christmas really snuck up on us this year”! No, you just procrastinate because you’re lazy, don’t expect me to throw sympathy your way. I already got all my presents, basically I’m better at Christmas than you. I’m Christmas AF. “But did you wrap them yet Ray”? BuT dId YoU wRaP tHeM yEt RaY. Wrapping is overrated and environmentally destructive so no I didn’t. Didn’t you just read the News!? Trump did it again dag-nab-it! Shrinking two national monuments in Utah! And you want to talk to me about wrapping my presents in paper, maybe after nuclear war ruins our environment I’ll consider it. Shouldn’t we be even more concerned with wrapping the earth back up in the ozone layer anyways. This isn’t even an excuse because I suck at wrapping gifts (my gift wrapping abilities are as awful as the flat earth theory). A good wrap job really comes down to one thing. Genetics.

On to the next topic or should I say let’s slide down the chimney? *Slides down chimney* “It’s Santa b@%#h” (note the motion Santa makes while saying this is the same motion the Anastasia imposter does during the, “Grandma it’s me Anastasia” scene in the 1997 Disney film Anastasia). I’ll add the link if you didn’t get that refence… [Anastasia Link] But for real onto our next topic! No easy way to segue into it so here it is. ATTENTION LONELY PEOPLE OR PEOPLE WHO NEED TO IMPRESS THEIR PARENTS THIS 2017 HOLIDAY SEASON: If anybody needs a 2018 holiday bae I’m available for bookings. Good with parents. I am Christmas AF. Full time job. Aspiring writer. Proud owner of a blog. Rides a bike because it’s eco friendly. My family lives with me I don’t live with them. Crappy facial hair like every hipster in Logan Square. Will make sure your parents want better for you so they fall in love with your next boyfriend. 20$ an hour. 35$ an hour for family gatherings. Rent for the entire holiday season 175$ limited time offer normally 300$ ends Friday the 8th. Other packages are available: Holiday Movie package, Ice Skating Package, Holiday Event Package, you name it there is a holiday package for everyone. [Pricing can vary on those packages] Direct Message me (DM ME) on Facebook if interested. (WARNING: CAN’T HELP YOU IF YOU CATCH THE FEELS. I KNOW I’M PRINCE CHARMING. See that guy in the gif? That could be us.) (Like, Share and Comment to spread the wealth)

Please note that this post is just a gag. Please don’t bother me.

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